And we were. And anytime in the next 2 years, at least, would be way too soon to find ourselves back in such a place. But, yet, here we are. With aching, broken hearts, with our questions on repeat. "Why? How could this happen? Why? Why?" They haven't stopped. I went to bed with tears and i woke up this morning with tears. And I know that I am not alone in this.
I have been praying for deliverance from this place in my life and in my heart that I have been in for the better part of a year. Pleading and begging for God to get me the hell ( for lack of a better word) out of here. My heart hurts and I do not think there has been a season in my, almost, 22 years of life that I have ever cried so many tears. I thought they would have run out a long time ago.
I keep hearing myself say to others and say out loud to myself, "God is in this. We need to find and trust that He is working in this situation, because He is. Cling to His promises". But this morning I am asking myself tough questions.. Do I really want that? Am I really doing that? And why is that so hard?
It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But He said to me, ' My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness." Its... ENOUGH. The literal definition of the word enough is "As much or as many as required." But I don't really want that. I don't really want God's grace.. because that doesn't mean it quits hurting, that doesn't mean that people quit dying, that doesn't mean that prisoners are set free and friends come home or that other friends hearts are healed from the heartbreak that death brings or that others friend's dad no longer have life killing cancer. Nope. It doesn't mean any of that. It could, I guess, but it hasn't. And I find myself crying out to God and literally...begging. Begging for him to take us out of this desert.
I was recently telling a brother of a friend of mine after the unexpected death of their father that " I literally can't take anymore this year.. everyone take your juice plus. My heart can't take this." And his response is something that I keep hearing in my sub sub conscience, " Yeah, but I bet your faith has grown tremendously in the past year, hasn't it?"....
"Yes." I guess I just haven't sat down and charted areas where my faith has grown. I'm not sure if that is even possible. I'm not sure of a lot of things. But i am sure that he was right. Through all of this hard stuff I have seen the Lord work. Yes, I would much rather see him work through good stuff. Wouldn't we all. But we haven't really been dealt that card lately. I have personally see a man come to christ after 55 years of walking in the dark. That is a beautiful thing. I have known the truth behind the command, " Be still. and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10) It's not easy.
I woke up this morning with the realization of the truth that this life is short. Everyone says that, but seriously. It is so short. And we are merely in shells here on Earth. And it's time that we all realize this and do something about it. That doesn't require going to the bar drowning your sorrows in a bottle saying "yolo". Or living life to the fullest. Let's get real here. START TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT JESUS! These are our peers, these are our FRIENDS. Life is too short not to. We all walk around pretending to be these great people, myself included... pretending to be super christian. But when was the last time we actually shared the Gospel with someone. Let's quit pretending like we know it all, have it all together, claiming that we love Jesus..... And start acting like it.
Because it's not our place to judge. It's not even our place to ask questions. It's our place to trust that what the Bible says is truth... "Consider what God has done: who can straighten what he has made crooked?" He will make this a straight path that leads to Him. He will work through this death in hearts and ways that we can not see. And while yes, it hurts.. .and while yes, we don't understand-instead of doing nothing let's do something. Start living and telling people about our God that is so great, and so loving that He promises that what He has to offer is ENOUGH. Even when it might not be what we want.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8
Go Jags.
tired and broken, but trusting,
