Life is.. hard.

I open my eyes on some days and quickly squeeze them back shut, hoping if i squeeze hard enough, what i know to be... won't be anymore. I remember these days like they were last week and not four years ago. I look back from where i stand now and am reminded how raw the pain is. I am reminded of the devastating truth that even though you want them so badly, noone can speak words of instant healing. I am reminded of how unfair life can be and the injustice that accompanies the loss of young life. And i realize that I am like the Isrealites that I am reading about in the Old Testament. And while on the road to the promise land, He leads them first through areas that are foreign.

But Allie is right. I can look back.. from here... and be thankful.I believe He has blessed me with this. Thankful that i know this terrible pain, while gut wrenching and devastating righ tnow, is only temporary. Thankful that i know my heart will not hurt like this forever. Time heals all wounds. I know that to be true. I am thankful on the mornign drives back to Oxford when I am the most angry I know i can take that anger to the foot of the cross. I am thankful that He draws near to me, even in my anger. and through the angry moments I am also reminded of this Great Plan. It is beyond me how the Lord can, will, and is using this terrible thing as a part of His magnigicant plan..but He is. The ache and confusion, he will, in time and through prayer, turn to healing and discernment.I remember the miracles and all the long way He has carried me. And I can say I know full well that God is who He says He is.... TRUSTWORTHY

I recently read several Donald Miller books. ( I am probably his biggest promoter now) In his books he explains how the oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. If you know anything about that book you know it is a book about suffering and its reads as though God is saying to the whole world..."Before we get started, theres this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad." Its almost as though God starts of his message to us by explaining there are going to be painful realities in life, like friends dying in autmobile accidents, relationships that end, dreams we have to let go of, that we cannot and will not ever understand and the answer to this pain is not offered an explanation. But rather, God offeres to us himself. There is no escape to this overwhelming pain we feel, believe me-i've tried just about every road i could think of. I am thankful that this time around, i know there is no escape, but that He offers us Himself, at the cross, to cling to. Donald Miller also states truth when he tells us that for some unknown reason it takes pain to open the curtains to our hearts. and the fact that we do not know how much we are capable of loving until the people we love are taken away. Its a sad truth.. but it did, and it does.

I keep hearing myself say " Its not supposed to be this way." Its not. But it is. and so i am being challenged right now. On the days that are the hardest, when for a brief time i forget this happened, when the tears come as I drive back to Oxford, I remember to hold fast to His promises and continue to pray( beg) that we find comfort in them. Some days are easier than others.

But for today, I know that on my good days.. even on our BEST days... someone still had to die for me and I am thankful..mostly for the promise of Heaven.

God's Promises:
" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go."
" I will meet all of your needs according to My glorious riches."
"Nothing in all creation will be able to seperate you from my love."
-- Is anything too hard for the Lord?--(Gen. 18:14)

Thankful in the Hard Times,
Kitty.