ENOUGH!

"It seems that we were all just right here."

And we were. And anytime in the next 2 years, at least, would be way too soon to find ourselves back in such a place. But, yet, here we are. With aching, broken hearts, with our questions on repeat. "Why? How could this happen? Why? Why?" They haven't stopped. I went to bed with tears and i woke up this morning with tears. And I know that I am not alone in this.

I have been praying for deliverance from this place in my life and in my heart that I have been in for the better part of a year. Pleading and begging for God to get me the hell ( for lack of a better word) out of here. My heart hurts and I do not think there has been a season in my, almost, 22 years of life that I have ever cried so many tears. I thought they would have run out a long time ago.

I keep hearing myself say to others and say out loud to myself, "God is in this. We need to find and trust that He is working in this situation, because He is. Cling to His promises". But this morning I am asking myself tough questions.. Do I really want that? Am I really doing that?  And why is that so hard?

It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But He said to me, ' My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness." Its... ENOUGH. The literal definition of the word enough is "As much or as many as required." But I don't really want that. I don't really want God's grace.. because that doesn't mean it quits hurting, that doesn't mean that people quit dying, that doesn't mean that prisoners are set free and friends come home or that other friends hearts are healed from the heartbreak that death brings or that others friend's dad no longer have life killing cancer. Nope. It doesn't mean any of that. It could, I guess, but it hasn't. And I find myself crying out to God and literally...begging. Begging for him to take us out of this desert.

I was recently telling a brother of a friend of mine after the unexpected death of their father that " I literally can't take anymore this year.. everyone take your juice plus. My heart can't take this." And his response is something that I keep hearing in my sub sub conscience, " Yeah, but I bet your faith has grown tremendously in the past year, hasn't it?"....

"Yes." I guess I just haven't sat down and charted areas where my faith has grown. I'm not sure if that is even possible. I'm not sure of a lot of things. But i am sure that he was right. Through all of this hard stuff I have seen the Lord work. Yes, I would much rather see him work through good stuff. Wouldn't we all. But we haven't really been dealt that card lately. I have personally see a man come to christ after 55 years of walking in the dark. That is a beautiful thing. I have known the truth behind the command, " Be still. and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10) It's not easy.

I woke up this morning with the realization of the truth that this life is short. Everyone says that, but seriously. It is so short. And we are merely in shells here on Earth. And it's time that we all realize this and do something about it. That doesn't require going to the bar drowning your sorrows in a bottle saying "yolo". Or living life to the fullest. Let's get real here. START TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT JESUS! These are our peers, these are our FRIENDS. Life is too short not to. We all walk around pretending to be these great people, myself included... pretending to be super christian. But when was the last time we actually shared the Gospel with someone. Let's quit pretending like we know it all, have it all together, claiming that we love Jesus..... And start acting like it.

Because it's not our place to judge. It's not even our place to ask questions. It's our place to trust that what the Bible says is truth... "Consider what God has done: who can straighten what he has made crooked?" He will make this a straight path that leads to Him. He will work through this death in hearts and ways that we can not see. And while yes, it hurts.. .and while yes, we don't understand-instead of doing nothing let's do something. Start living and telling people about our God that is so great, and so loving that He promises that what He has to offer is ENOUGH. Even when it might not be what we want.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8

Go Jags.


tired and broken, but trusting,

-Kitty

Life is.. hard.

I open my eyes on some days and quickly squeeze them back shut, hoping if i squeeze hard enough, what i know to be... won't be anymore. I remember these days like they were last week and not four years ago. I look back from where i stand now and am reminded how raw the pain is. I am reminded of the devastating truth that even though you want them so badly, noone can speak words of instant healing. I am reminded of how unfair life can be and the injustice that accompanies the loss of young life. And i realize that I am like the Isrealites that I am reading about in the Old Testament. And while on the road to the promise land, He leads them first through areas that are foreign.

But Allie is right. I can look back.. from here... and be thankful.I believe He has blessed me with this. Thankful that i know this terrible pain, while gut wrenching and devastating righ tnow, is only temporary. Thankful that i know my heart will not hurt like this forever. Time heals all wounds. I know that to be true. I am thankful on the mornign drives back to Oxford when I am the most angry I know i can take that anger to the foot of the cross. I am thankful that He draws near to me, even in my anger. and through the angry moments I am also reminded of this Great Plan. It is beyond me how the Lord can, will, and is using this terrible thing as a part of His magnigicant plan..but He is. The ache and confusion, he will, in time and through prayer, turn to healing and discernment.I remember the miracles and all the long way He has carried me. And I can say I know full well that God is who He says He is.... TRUSTWORTHY

I recently read several Donald Miller books. ( I am probably his biggest promoter now) In his books he explains how the oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. If you know anything about that book you know it is a book about suffering and its reads as though God is saying to the whole world..."Before we get started, theres this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad." Its almost as though God starts of his message to us by explaining there are going to be painful realities in life, like friends dying in autmobile accidents, relationships that end, dreams we have to let go of, that we cannot and will not ever understand and the answer to this pain is not offered an explanation. But rather, God offeres to us himself. There is no escape to this overwhelming pain we feel, believe me-i've tried just about every road i could think of. I am thankful that this time around, i know there is no escape, but that He offers us Himself, at the cross, to cling to. Donald Miller also states truth when he tells us that for some unknown reason it takes pain to open the curtains to our hearts. and the fact that we do not know how much we are capable of loving until the people we love are taken away. Its a sad truth.. but it did, and it does.

I keep hearing myself say " Its not supposed to be this way." Its not. But it is. and so i am being challenged right now. On the days that are the hardest, when for a brief time i forget this happened, when the tears come as I drive back to Oxford, I remember to hold fast to His promises and continue to pray( beg) that we find comfort in them. Some days are easier than others.

But for today, I know that on my good days.. even on our BEST days... someone still had to die for me and I am thankful..mostly for the promise of Heaven.

God's Promises:
" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go."
" I will meet all of your needs according to My glorious riches."
"Nothing in all creation will be able to seperate you from my love."
-- Is anything too hard for the Lord?--(Gen. 18:14)

Thankful in the Hard Times,
Kitty.

Bandwagon

I'm hopping on the "I blog" bandwagon. We'll see how this goes. Not that my life is or will be of interest to anyone who reads this, but that is neither here nor there. Writing has always been a means of escape for me, just never for anyone and everyone in the general public.

Bare with me, or don't... the choice is yours and not one that will be life altering or of great importance-and rightfully so. 

but.. we shall see.

-Kityy

And Jordan... this one is for you.