Not Such a Nutshell... 2012.

5 days into this new year and i find myself finally sitting down with time. The time to look back on an entire year. Where i've been, places i've gone, people that were friends and became best friends, and on all the ways the Lord has blessed me, stretched me, changed me, showed Himself to me... and every single bit of it merits the time to adequately sit down and digest it.

I recently read a quote that read, " The days are slow, but the years are so, so fast." And i cannot think of a quote that better sums up a year of my life in a nutshell more than this. Looking back, i don't ever know where the time went but  I am beyond thankful for the people I spent it with. Those faithful few who were there, and have been there, the entire way through.

It wasn't easy, but it could have been worse. It wasn't always sunshine, but it taught us to dance in the rain. It wasn't always happiness, but it taught me the difference between happiness and joy. And it wasn't always smooth... but it taught me to appreciate the days, however few and far between they are, where you close your eyes in a moment and think, "this is how it's supposed to be".




I started 2012 off, like many I know did as well,  tending the broken heart that accompanies the loss of a friend. Knowing that whatever the next 365 days would bring, the Lord would be there every step of the way, as He showed us on that day and in the months that followed. The first part of the year is blurry. Filled with heartache and the want or the need, to be there for a best friend while being towns apart. Filled with anxiousness in waiting to hear Pat's sentencing. Those months were long and I saw the power of prayer. I felt the blessing of intimacy from the Lord that came when all I could do to help the people i loved was to pray. Filled with eagerness to start a job that would take me places I had never been before. Once school was out, I hit the ground running. Or should I say flying

I was blessed with the wonderful.. should I say, adventure? I nannied for a family that took me along with them all over the place! I was way out my league, to say the least. Destin for a week, New York for two and then, I fell in love. With Paris that is. It was absolutely beautiful and words, literally, do not do it justice. This job and the adventures that came along with it absolutely MADE my summer. But mostly, the privilege I had of loving on my sweet, sweet Amy. ( FINALLY getting to go to Disney World didn't stink either!) 

The job was supposed to last through the summer, but was cut short for reasons I didn't really understand until the summer was over. Another God thing. Had I been out jet setting I wouldn't have been home to say goodbye to 4 precious people. 4 funerals in one summer, after such a gut wrenching fall was tough. I spent several mornings in tears begging the Lord to continue to work in those situations. I still try to see what He's doing through them, or what He was doing, but i know that i will never understand, fully. And i'm ok with that. I am beyond blessed to have seen a man that was near and dear to my heart fully come to know the Lord and learn what it meant to walk intimately with Him. It was a beautiful blessing from the Lord and I am a better person because of it. God is still good.

As the summer ended, I couldn't help but be  thankful to get back to Oxford. I had a late game changer, and switched majors. (My parents are still trying to get over it.) I am taking this "senior" year and finishing my pre reqs for nursing school. I will finish at the end of the summer and then start applying from there. This fall flew by and I was so excited to FINALLY have my little sister in the same town, at the same school. It was so much fun.  A little piece of home is so good to the heart. Having her pledge KD was just icing on the cake. We have become so much closer, and now are not only my sisters.. but my friend. I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see what she does these four years!

I heard from many about senior year being filled with friends getting engaged and bridesmaids dressing being bought--this definitely rang true for 2012. Which is such an incredible feeling. Seeing friends I love, take on such a big and beautiful responsibility.. and to choose to include me in on their special day was so fun. I can't imagine this for myself anytime soon, but I have begun to be in constant prayer for these special friends and the lives they are forming. What a beautiful picture of God's love for the church. I am beyond blessed with such wonderful girls in my life. I am proud of you all!

At the end of the day I'm becoming familiar with the beautiful process of ups and downs, ebb and flow, victory and defeat. They depend upon each other. We wouldn't know defeat if we didn't have victory to measure it against, and we wouldn't understand that breath taking happiness is so wonderful if we could not compare it with lesser days of heartbreaking disappointment.

And at the end of the day, I know the Lord is teaching me to come to Him not with request, but with open hands and with an open heart. I've been so thankful of His grace that abounds and abounds and abounds. I am in need of it every single day. I wake up on some mornings and wonder how He could pour it out on a person like me.. and yet He reminds me of his unconditional forgiveness. It blows me away every single day. I am so unworthy.

And At the end of 2012.... I feel like i've ben sitting on the bench.. having been playing really hard, resting, bent over with my hands on my knees and out of breath. But knowing that I'm not alone. The Holy spirit rocked my world this year, of that I am thankful. And for the people that are only a phone call away, that love me even when i am SO hard to love, and who bless me in ways that I could never finish giving thanks for... I love you with my whole heart and have learned that real life is in the small moments--breakout dancing at red lights with Mollie, scaring the people next to us in the cars. The late night talks where she might not know it, but encourages me to wait on the Lord and HIS plan, the laughs... oh the laughs.. what little abs i have come from time spent sharing laughter with her. Late night trips to Whataburger with Stuart. He grew up over night, it seems. he has such a sweet heart, and i will be forever thankful for the afternoon i came in with sobbing tears after hearing about Coach and he was the only one home. He did the only thing he knew to do. Open his arms and let my 22 year old self cry into his 14 year old shoulders. I will forever cherish this moment. In all the moments spent on the phone with rosie, or late night chats on the couch. She has so much wisdom that i know has always been there, but i think i am just now appreciating it for what it is. a blessing. Her heart for others is something that comes so natural for her.. I wish i were more like that. And for the motivational texts that Greg loves to send, as if my academic career and life in Oxford is one big soccer game. All of the lunches, the quiet ones or the serious talk ones.. The way the Lord is molding Him, even as a 52 year old dad, is amazing. 

My heart is so full. It hurts sometimes, but most days it is so full. I am so thankful and beyond bless. Through the good times and the not so good times. I am excited and in prayer for all of that 2013 has to bring 

"because God said, ' never will i leave you, never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. " Hebrews 13:6

Blessings upon blessings to you in 2013 and Always,

Kathryn Rose 

ENOUGH!

"It seems that we were all just right here."

And we were. And anytime in the next 2 years, at least, would be way too soon to find ourselves back in such a place. But, yet, here we are. With aching, broken hearts, with our questions on repeat. "Why? How could this happen? Why? Why?" They haven't stopped. I went to bed with tears and i woke up this morning with tears. And I know that I am not alone in this.

I have been praying for deliverance from this place in my life and in my heart that I have been in for the better part of a year. Pleading and begging for God to get me the hell ( for lack of a better word) out of here. My heart hurts and I do not think there has been a season in my, almost, 22 years of life that I have ever cried so many tears. I thought they would have run out a long time ago.

I keep hearing myself say to others and say out loud to myself, "God is in this. We need to find and trust that He is working in this situation, because He is. Cling to His promises". But this morning I am asking myself tough questions.. Do I really want that? Am I really doing that?  And why is that so hard?

It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But He said to me, ' My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness." Its... ENOUGH. The literal definition of the word enough is "As much or as many as required." But I don't really want that. I don't really want God's grace.. because that doesn't mean it quits hurting, that doesn't mean that people quit dying, that doesn't mean that prisoners are set free and friends come home or that other friends hearts are healed from the heartbreak that death brings or that others friend's dad no longer have life killing cancer. Nope. It doesn't mean any of that. It could, I guess, but it hasn't. And I find myself crying out to God and literally...begging. Begging for him to take us out of this desert.

I was recently telling a brother of a friend of mine after the unexpected death of their father that " I literally can't take anymore this year.. everyone take your juice plus. My heart can't take this." And his response is something that I keep hearing in my sub sub conscience, " Yeah, but I bet your faith has grown tremendously in the past year, hasn't it?"....

"Yes." I guess I just haven't sat down and charted areas where my faith has grown. I'm not sure if that is even possible. I'm not sure of a lot of things. But i am sure that he was right. Through all of this hard stuff I have seen the Lord work. Yes, I would much rather see him work through good stuff. Wouldn't we all. But we haven't really been dealt that card lately. I have personally see a man come to christ after 55 years of walking in the dark. That is a beautiful thing. I have known the truth behind the command, " Be still. and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10) It's not easy.

I woke up this morning with the realization of the truth that this life is short. Everyone says that, but seriously. It is so short. And we are merely in shells here on Earth. And it's time that we all realize this and do something about it. That doesn't require going to the bar drowning your sorrows in a bottle saying "yolo". Or living life to the fullest. Let's get real here. START TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT JESUS! These are our peers, these are our FRIENDS. Life is too short not to. We all walk around pretending to be these great people, myself included... pretending to be super christian. But when was the last time we actually shared the Gospel with someone. Let's quit pretending like we know it all, have it all together, claiming that we love Jesus..... And start acting like it.

Because it's not our place to judge. It's not even our place to ask questions. It's our place to trust that what the Bible says is truth... "Consider what God has done: who can straighten what he has made crooked?" He will make this a straight path that leads to Him. He will work through this death in hearts and ways that we can not see. And while yes, it hurts.. .and while yes, we don't understand-instead of doing nothing let's do something. Start living and telling people about our God that is so great, and so loving that He promises that what He has to offer is ENOUGH. Even when it might not be what we want.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8

Go Jags.


tired and broken, but trusting,

-Kitty

Life is.. hard.

I open my eyes on some days and quickly squeeze them back shut, hoping if i squeeze hard enough, what i know to be... won't be anymore. I remember these days like they were last week and not four years ago. I look back from where i stand now and am reminded how raw the pain is. I am reminded of the devastating truth that even though you want them so badly, noone can speak words of instant healing. I am reminded of how unfair life can be and the injustice that accompanies the loss of young life. And i realize that I am like the Isrealites that I am reading about in the Old Testament. And while on the road to the promise land, He leads them first through areas that are foreign.

But Allie is right. I can look back.. from here... and be thankful.I believe He has blessed me with this. Thankful that i know this terrible pain, while gut wrenching and devastating righ tnow, is only temporary. Thankful that i know my heart will not hurt like this forever. Time heals all wounds. I know that to be true. I am thankful on the mornign drives back to Oxford when I am the most angry I know i can take that anger to the foot of the cross. I am thankful that He draws near to me, even in my anger. and through the angry moments I am also reminded of this Great Plan. It is beyond me how the Lord can, will, and is using this terrible thing as a part of His magnigicant plan..but He is. The ache and confusion, he will, in time and through prayer, turn to healing and discernment.I remember the miracles and all the long way He has carried me. And I can say I know full well that God is who He says He is.... TRUSTWORTHY

I recently read several Donald Miller books. ( I am probably his biggest promoter now) In his books he explains how the oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. If you know anything about that book you know it is a book about suffering and its reads as though God is saying to the whole world..."Before we get started, theres this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad." Its almost as though God starts of his message to us by explaining there are going to be painful realities in life, like friends dying in autmobile accidents, relationships that end, dreams we have to let go of, that we cannot and will not ever understand and the answer to this pain is not offered an explanation. But rather, God offeres to us himself. There is no escape to this overwhelming pain we feel, believe me-i've tried just about every road i could think of. I am thankful that this time around, i know there is no escape, but that He offers us Himself, at the cross, to cling to. Donald Miller also states truth when he tells us that for some unknown reason it takes pain to open the curtains to our hearts. and the fact that we do not know how much we are capable of loving until the people we love are taken away. Its a sad truth.. but it did, and it does.

I keep hearing myself say " Its not supposed to be this way." Its not. But it is. and so i am being challenged right now. On the days that are the hardest, when for a brief time i forget this happened, when the tears come as I drive back to Oxford, I remember to hold fast to His promises and continue to pray( beg) that we find comfort in them. Some days are easier than others.

But for today, I know that on my good days.. even on our BEST days... someone still had to die for me and I am thankful..mostly for the promise of Heaven.

God's Promises:
" I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go."
" I will meet all of your needs according to My glorious riches."
"Nothing in all creation will be able to seperate you from my love."
-- Is anything too hard for the Lord?--(Gen. 18:14)

Thankful in the Hard Times,
Kitty.

Bandwagon

I'm hopping on the "I blog" bandwagon. We'll see how this goes. Not that my life is or will be of interest to anyone who reads this, but that is neither here nor there. Writing has always been a means of escape for me, just never for anyone and everyone in the general public.

Bare with me, or don't... the choice is yours and not one that will be life altering or of great importance-and rightfully so. 

but.. we shall see.

-Kityy

And Jordan... this one is for you.